This is powerful. I found it not difficult(though not easy) to put myself in his boots. I did feel a struggle with religion and a touch of sarcasm at the end. I like this a lot. It moves me and the descriptions are colorful without being too cliche. I think it is difficult to avoid cliche with this rather cliche subject matter, though this seems fresh to me.

I do think there are some grammatical issues, beginning with the full stop at Silence., which is not a sentence by itself, and I kind of lose the sentence structure after that, thus the narration becomes muddled and loses its power. I would revisit and punctuate a bit; like polishing a gemstone.




--
"To avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, be nothing."

I read the author's comments first, took what you said into consideration, than read this piece. Mentally preparing to thrust myself into the boots on this man, this seemingly troubled person, I was able to understand this piece a lot clearer. In doing that, I was able to understand the events and see them unfold through his eyes. His passion, rage, and fear that I noticed as well, were my own for a short period. The profound, yet simple, way you wrote this, the way it tells a story, is crafted in a dramatic show of excellence, which I hold dear to me.

This piece has been a particular favorite of mine because I do understand, second handedly, what this could be like in real life. You see, my brother is in the military, and I feel as though I were watching this through his eyes. Like it was his passion, rage and fear that I felt as my own. In all honesty, it scared me to think that this might be my brother one day. But as well as feeling that fear for him, I also feel that since reading this piece that I can mentally prepare myself for my brothers tale that he will one day have to tell.

All in all, I find this piece to be enlightening as well as powerful in its own sense. The delivery that this is presented in is very diligent. You didn’t play with words to cloud the meaning of this and you didn’t become unreal with the reality of this subject. And weather this could be considered a real life experience or just a way for a writing to express their struggle with religion, fighting wars within yourself or even overcoming odds, in your case, this piece can impact a person, depending on how they read it.

So I’d just like to say, this piece has taken a special part in my heart because of how I read it. How I perceived the meaning behind it. And yet again, your writing skills astonish me.

--
Have to fight, cause I know in the end it's worthwhile

splattered with sweat from
the rifle's recoil and choked tears.

I love that line. The last stanza is excellent as well.

I don't know. I usually put myself into the narrator's shoes anyways, so slipping into character wasn't that hard. I think you capture the moment well.

--
Band geek and proud of it!

(Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?)
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
^{Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh and they'll all think you're on drugs.}

The rage in this leads the audience to subconsciously hide in their inner self while questioning their inner self. Superb emotional tricks in this!





--
Across the face of the Earth, her ruby cheeks shone; Winds of whisper buried seeds of rumor, made her secret well grown.

I'm glad to see it in it's complete form! This poem makes me thing of the series Voices in Wartime .. a collection of poetry about war that was compiled in rebuttal to a poetry symposium that was planned, and later cancelled, by Laura Bush.

Although I can see the theme of the title mirrored here and there within the work .. I must admit that I cannot fully grasp it's purpose. I have my ideas, but I'm not sure how close to home they are. But as you know, I love the language that you use and the raw and truthful images they produce.

On a side note... I don't believe grammar in poetry should ever follow the rules of prose. Punctuation can be used as a tool, similar to the purpose of a stanza or the break of a line, to stress a word or point, or to control the flow and speed of the language. The period after silence causes the word to become an experience, rather than description. It dedicates a single moment in the mind to the oppressive silence experienced by the character. This form helps to bring it alive.

--
I am the one in ten
Even though I don`t [exist]

I'm not really going to critique. This is really solid, the language and pacing is effective. I hope writing this helped you in some way, it seems like a rather long grown piece.

hm.

Now, I know that 'hm' isn't the most constructive bit of criticism around here, but my first thought is still 'hm' when reading this.

The first 2 lines made me wanna marry this poem and have babies with it. Anything after that made me wanna cheat on this poem.

There are some exceptions, some truly masterful lines, but there is a lot of stuff that can be (in my humble and unworthy opinion) cut out from this. Do you think the war, the blood, the violence is truly making this piece better ?

The first 2 lines spread the message, set the tone, but anything after that is just crushing that lovely subtlety you created there. All the death, all the 'visual' effects are bringing this down for me. Well, up to a point, really. It is still much and much better than average, but you are too much of a poet to write average poetry.

I'm gonna give this one a star, but I still think it needs some editing. Then, truly, I would call it a masterpiece.

--
because nothing says love like a coffeemachine

[link] => literure

Many thanks for the indepth critique, my friend. The journey through the piece resembles many of the 'battles' I've faced with finding the right religion for me. Much as with the structure and the images you follow, you are actually seeing through my eyes. The pain and anguish that you feel within the main character is exactly how I hoped it would come across.

--
To twist one purest cause
Into an honest verse,
Itself, a call to angels.
The saddened lips of song that
Kiss away our innocence
From the vile mundane.
~justb

Thanks, bro. Indeed it has! How are things coming along your way?

--
To twist one purest cause
Into an honest verse,
Itself, a call to angels.
The saddened lips of song that
Kiss away our innocence
From the vile mundane.
~justb