Hello

I'm about to critique your work, be warned!

I am not a poet but i am an experienced reader and as such i love to read poetry aloud to myself. I try hard to follow the trail that the port has left me in terms of punctuation in order to pick up intended flow and rhythm.

I hate punctuation, or rather my poet hates it, for the longest time i used to write all my poetry naked, no punctuation at all

Your punctuation here i feel really hinders flow and actually detracts from meaning. It obscures my understanding somewhat.

I'm not sure if you've tried to read this poem aloud, reading the punctuation, but i think if you do you can hear what i mean.

The pottery wheel spins.
Curves linger in pressing caresses,
Cracked sides split in,
The sandy surface.

Starting in this way, using a period in your first line is quite off putting (for my reader) and also i really want it to flow into "curves". The comma on the third line is incorrect, there should be enjambment here and it works well without the punctuation.

The pottery wheel spins
curves lingering in pressing caresses,
cracked sides split in
the sandy surface.

Adding a "ing" assists alliteration with spins // pressing and the sibilance with pressing and caresses is very nice.

Ordinarily i would continue down your poem and critique it fully, but i feel you could make some very subtle amendments to punctuation which would transform this poem significantly.

I hope i haven't offended you and that this may offer some insight into your poetry from a readers perspective

:: Toni

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You may see a silly fop & a worshipful justice, a griping rook & a grave citizen, a worthy lawyer & an errant pickpocket, a reverend non-conformist & a canting mountebank, all blended together to compose a medley of impertinence -- at the *Coffeehouse

I joined this community just to feel the warm breaths of its critics. I can't thank you enough for you getting me started in the corrections of this poem. I don't mind at all your criticism and in fact, welcome any words that you may offer.

PS: Good thing you didn't see my greatest mistake (just before you read this, I had all of my poems in my comments box and vise versa) ^^


Thanks again Toni, it really means a lot to me for you to take your time and spend it critiquing my poetry.

sometimes i but my poems in comments and visa versa because i want people to read the piece before the comments

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You may see a silly fop & a worshipful justice, a griping rook & a grave citizen, a worthy lawyer & an errant pickpocket, a reverend non-conformist & a canting mountebank, all blended together to compose a medley of impertinence -- at the *Coffeehouse

Brilliant! I should have used that excuse instead of looking like a complete idiot in front of nepheid. ^^ (I plan to work on the rest of the corrections to cracked perfection as soon as I get a chance). The one I just recently finished editing is Waterfall Hair. Don't know if you've read that one yet or not.

Are there any works that you propose I read? So far, I've loved all your works with their elegant flows that leaves me simply breathless.

I know that neepheid won't think you're silly

hmmm as for works you should read, i'm not sure who you've found and who you haven't or what style you like or don't but here's some of the people i watch:

*PoeticWar James and i are kind of like writing buddies. We tend to bounce ideas off each other and strongly critique each others work. He's an imagist and understands the mechanics of poetry and prose very well. He has some very interesting pieces.

*breathheld and *haunt and *tearstone are probably the poets i most look forward to reading. (Again they suit the style i like)

*vivus and *areincarnation and * shotgunmessiah are excellent for making you think and for experimenting.

There are poets who's subject matter and style i am not overly keen on but who i feel are good solid poets and i watch them mainly because i feel i can learn from them.

*wildoats (he also has a list of good writers somewhere on his page) *xxxxxx ~ substanceabuse *inebriate

I'm sure you've found darkcrescendo

My advice is to critique people, it's a great way you introduce yourself to the community and to learn about poetry. Randomly pick a poem from browsing and say what you like and don't like

Hope this helps in some way.

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You may see a silly fop & a worshipful justice, a griping rook & a grave citizen, a worthy lawyer & an errant pickpocket, a reverend non-conformist & a canting mountebank, all blended together to compose a medley of impertinence -- at the *Coffeehouse

Thx a lot for the names, I'll be sure to add and view them when I get the chance. College starts soon so I doubt that I'll have time as I once had. I'll be sure to keep viewing all the wonderful workers I've had the pleasure of meeting (including yourself).


Take Care

I took Geek Chick's advice and ran through the poem twice. The first time I read mentally and then aloud. I moved a word here or there just trying to make it flow. I think that I JUST might be closer.


....And of course, it's all thanks to the magnificent [link]

This poem could be really great, I think it needs a little work though. You start with a potter and clay analogy and then you seem to drift from it. I think that if you stuck with it, it could be an excellent piece. I did notice however that while you are drifting from the pottery idea at the begining, you used words like "spinning" which reminded me back to the potter wheel idea. and that gives it a nice touch. nice work!

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~PenWieldingPoets A club for POETS THAT USE METER, or would like to learn.

Draw me a sheep

I went from the man spinning the wheel into the shape he was creating. The entire piece describes god creating the world and failing. He then realizes as the piece crumbles before him the second time that his work is a true masterpiece within itself due to its imperfections. Try to look at it like a camera zooming in from afar and slowly working into a tight view of the artwork being created. Don't know if I hit that mark but it was worth a shot. ^^

PS: Thanks for the compliment.