I camouflage
my heart in the icy blue chamber
of Death’s revolver. Tendrils coil
around and numb me from the fear
of survival as my eyes slip beneath
the reforming crystals and life’s grasp.
Small frail bubbles escape
their half-hearted capture
in the swirls of pale auburn hair
and unseen tears. My fingertips
release the edge like the tattered
sails of a submerging ship.
My last breath suspends me
like a passionate kiss
on a lover’s chest
until the anxious beats
chill into nothingness
as the revolver turns.
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Comments
--
Rain, an act of God ? But how much rain ? At what point does the rain reach a certain level beyond which it takes the more apocalyptic mantle of the water-based punishment of the Lord ? -Bill Bailey
[link]
--
To twist one purest cause
Into an honest verse,
Itself, a call to angels.
The saddened lips of song that
Kiss away our innocence
From the vile mundane.
~justb
--
To twist one purest cause
Into an honest verse,
Itself, a call to angels.
The saddened lips of song that
Kiss away our innocence
From the vile mundane.
~justb
--
Rain, an act of God ? But how much rain ? At what point does the rain reach a certain level beyond which it takes the more apocalyptic mantle of the water-based punishment of the Lord ? -Bill Bailey
[link]
As far as critiquing and being too straight-forward goes; perhaps the last stanza could be less open to the readers, leave them guessing?
The first two stanzas seem to outdo the last stanza too much. Like maybe you got eager to have the piece done? But you don't want to reveal that to the readers, 'cause it then appears as though you weren't happy enough with the "so far outcome," and I think how the writer/narrator feels towards the piece can rub off on the readers quite easily.
--
Across the face of the Earth, her ruby cheeks shone; Winds of whisper buried seeds of rumor, made her secret well grown.
the second stanza certainly stood out for me.
as far as critiquing goes, I'd say perhaps a more fluid link between the three stanzas (unless a slightly edgy effect is intended), while
but even without changing a thing, it's a very good piece
--
Dum spiro spero.
As for the last stanza, it's a little awkward in the flow when compared to the other two. I really wanted to reader to feel the slipping. I intentionally toyed with the structure in order to fulfill that.
But my bad on making you think i was dissatisfied with it. This is actually the 4th edit of the piece.
There's always room for improvement and I thank you for your careful and lovely critiques.
--
To twist one purest cause
Into an honest verse,
Itself, a call to angels.
The saddened lips of song that
Kiss away our innocence
From the vile mundane.
~justb
When I read it to myself, I see 3 instances where time captures the scene.
Know the movies that add that dramatic effect when you have a sequence being divided by a few milliseconds of blackness?
Thank you for the critiques!
--
To twist one purest cause
Into an honest verse,
Itself, a call to angels.
The saddened lips of song that
Kiss away our innocence
From the vile mundane.
~justb
--
To twist one purest cause
Into an honest verse,
Itself, a call to angels.
The saddened lips of song that
Kiss away our innocence
From the vile mundane.
~justb
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